That One Time I Almost Died

I sat there alone, trying to slow my breathing but also laughing at myself and the ridiculousness of what I had just experienced.

I almost died, or at least I thought I did. The literal chokehold the moment had one me was also undeniable. I couldn't take my last breath this way and have my teenager come home to find her mom laid out on the floor in front of her desk, unmoving with the cats meowing with concern.

The potential news story, if anyone cared to write one, would've been equally terrible.

Let me explain. There I was, hungry from having skipped breakfast and working through the morning. I finally took my lunch break and heated up some taquitos in the air fryer, plated them up and drizzled some taco sauce on them. In my haste to get back to my busy to-do list, I started to eat without letting my food cool down. Two bites in, I had effectively burned my mouth, and a rogue piece of food had gone down my throat the wrong way and I started choking, struggling to get the food to either go up or down.

I immediately went into self-rescue mode and threw my arms up thinking, "This is NOT how I go out!!"

Those few seconds felt way too long but I cleared my throat while Louis, my cat, looked at me with worry and confusion on his face.

Then I began to laugh hysterically because the fake headline my mind concocted sent me into a tizzy, "Death by taquito. Woman dies while eating lunch! Cats eat her face post-mortem."

This morbid thought then triggered an internet search about cats eating their owners. Yes, in an act of desperation, cats will eat their deceased owner's cheeks if they run out of food and are left alone too long.

This is a true story. I learned two things through this, slow the fuck down and keep the cat bowls full.